Tag Archives: Humor

Good For a Few Laughs

If you’re amused by irony, inconsistency, or plain old ineptness, you’ll find plenty to chuckle over at the FAIL Blog.

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Some Sage Advice from Will Rogers

Here’s some folk wisdom and good advice from the great American humorist and social commentator Will Rogers

1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman…neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

11. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral:
When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

The Ultimate Addiction by Scott Kalachstein

Scott Kalechstein is a gifted songwriter, humorist and philosopher. He frankly shares his feelings and experiences, and tells his stories in a lighthearted way. This item from his recent newsletter resonated with me. Maybe it will with you, too. – t.h.g.

The Ultimate Addiction

By Scott Kalechstein

I have an insidious addiction that I wrestle with: criticholism. It is the addiction behind all addictions, as it has driven me to compulsively drink, smoke, watch television, eat chocolate, and work without rest. For a very long time this disease has been my Achilles Heal.* I am happy to say that my feet are well on the road to recovery. I confess this and share my story in the hopes that it may inspire any fellow criticholics out there to realize what they’ve been doing and encourage them to get help.

Like many, I spent years in denial of my thinking problem. I fancied myself an average social criticizer, enjoying a few harmless judgments of myself and of others at parties and other social situations. Then I noticed myself sneaking in a few criticisms while alone. Soon I was waking up and starting my day with a double shot of straight criticism. When I found myself criticizing myself for how much I was criticizing myself, I knew I had a problem. But where to go for help?
There were no twelve step programs for this addiction, and I had definitely hit bottom.

One Sunday I was thinking and driving, and got caught in the act. A policeman pulled me over. He had clocked me on his radar judging myself at eighty three times per hour. My thoughts had been swerving all over the road! I had no excuse. He arrested me for inner child abuse, driving myself crazy, and disturbing my own peace. When I told him I was a workaholic and was on my way to work, he added resisting a rest to my charges. He also informed me that my thinking problem
increases my astral carbon footprint and eats away at the ozone layer. Uy,Vey! Did I feel guilty!?!

In court I was asked to be my own prosecuting attorney, since the judge knew I had so much experience in that role already. Of course I won my case, and was found guilty as charged. I thought they would throw the book at me, being that domestic self-violence is such a
heated issue these days. Instead, the judge let me off with a suspended sentence and

He then warned me that if I was found beating myself up again that I would serve hard time for giving myself a hard time.

The court suggested I visit a hospital that specialized in the treatment of Chronic Critique Syndrome.* Upon examination I was immediately placed on the critical list. The doctors were blunt. They told me that if I didn’t learn to be more gentle with myself my mental habits would lead me to a probable critiac arrest.* I decided to start resting my critic instead.

__________________________________________
*Achilles Heal: One’s greatest weakness which, through self-forgiveness, alchemizes into a blessing that serves humanity.

*Chronic Critique Syndrome: This condition renders the alleged victim unable to see and enjoy the good. It is passed from parent to child, and can also be caught from schoolteachers and the media. The disease affects the eyes, often leaving the sufferer with Anal Eyes , the predisposition to anal-eyes everyone and everything, especially oneself. The cure is an emotional and mental procedure designed to remove the layers of anesthesia blocking one from heartfelt feelings. People in remission often can be seen spreading joy and hugging on the streets. For more information, see Jimmy Stewart at the end of It’s A Wonderful Life.

*Critiac Arrest: This occurs when, after years of a person attacking their own heart, the heart fails. The major causes of critiac arrest are a poor mental diet, hardening of the attitudes, and the lack of
heart-strengthening exercises, such as hugging, laughing and playing.

More Americans suffer from critiac arrests than all other metaphoric illnesses combined!

__________________________________________
Scott Kalechstein is a Miracles Minded Modern Day Minstrel Man and Mischief Maker who makes his home in Marin, CA. (Yes, he has a special relationship with the letter ‘M’) Scott’s life is dedicated to ending seriousness on the planet by the year 2012. He pays the rent and the car payments as an inspirational speaker, a recording artist, singer, minister and workshop leader. He can be visited at http://www.scottsongs.com

If you like his writings, you are invited to sample his inspirational music in the recordings section of his website. His CD, Levitational Pull, contains twenty deliciously humorous personal growth related songs.
scott@scottsongs.com • Scott Kalechstein
http://www.scottsongs.com

Scott Kalechstein
351 Olema Road, #11
Fairfax, CA 94930
(415) 721-2954

Refresh Yourself at- http://www.scottsongs.com -A Site For Soaring Eyes!

Oil and War: A stage show by Robert Newman

This video (45 min.) by Robert Newman is the best, most entertaining, commentary on contemporary geo-politics I’ve seen yet. Come on take your medicine; watch it, you’ll like it. – t.h.g.

George Carlin on Age

George Carlin

George Carlin

George Carlin has long been one of my favorite comedian commentators. I guess it was his sharp wit, irreverence, and willingness to speak the truth that made him so appealing and important. We mourn his passing, but his words live on. Here is one of his humorous and insightful items that has relevance for all of us. RIP, George, and thanks for keeping us light. – t.h.g.

George Carlin on Age

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

‘How old are you?’ I’m four and a half!’ You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key

You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m gonna be 16!’ You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21 YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re Just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80’s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; ‘I Was JUST 92.’

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. ‘I’m 100 and a half!’
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay ‘them.’

2. Keep only cheerful friends.. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath

6. The tears happen.. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them,at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

And if you don’t send this to at least 8 people – who cares? But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!

You Can Help Check “The Not-See Menace”

A message from Tikkun pointed me toward a brilliant op-ed piece by Steve Bhaerman, aka, Swami Beyondananda. I am in awe of Steve’s wisdom and perceptiveness, not to mention his well-recognized skill with humor, word-play, and puns. I strongly urge everyone to read his article, It’s Time to Face the “Not-See” Menace, and to share it widely.

Happy Birthday Julie – You’re a Fine Old Gal.

The following was contained in an email I received recently from a friend. I presume it actually happened.

Julie Andrews’ lyrics are clever and cute, and good for a few chuckles, but not the kind of seeds I want to plant in my brain. Is that denial?

I don’t believe that getting old NECESSARILY means getting decrepit.

The old body, like the old car, if properly taken care of, can serve very well until one decides to either junk it or let it become a museum piece. Enjoy. – t.h.g.

Julie Andrews Turns 69

To commemorate her birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at
Manhattan ‘s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was ‘My Favorite Things’  from the legendary movie ‘Sound Of Music’.   Here are the lyrics she used:


Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and  handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,

Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

****************************************

Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.