via Borowitz Report.
Planet Already ‘Pre-destroyed,’ Scientist Says
LONDON (The Borowitz Report) – Reversing his recent position on the dangers of an extraterrestrial invasion, eminent theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking said today that the planet is in no such peril anymore because aliens are “no longer interested” in invading Earth.
“Assuming that aliens have been monitoring Earth for the past month in preparation for an invasion, they’ve probably figured out it’s no longer worth the trip,” Dr. Hawking said.
Speaking at a conference of the International Society of Eminent Theoretical Physicists, Dr. Hawking added, “Most extraterrestrials would want to come to Earth to destroy it, and let’s face it, this planet has been pretty much pre-destroyed.”
Even if aliens planned to travel to Earth to warn humans against destroying their own planet, Dr. Hawking said, “If they showed up now and took a look around they’d be like, ‘Oops, too late.’”
The physicist said that the rocket fuel aliens would have to expend to launch an Earth invasion was significant, “and you don’t spend that kind of money to invade a shithole.”
In recognition of his role in deterring an alien invasion, Queen Elizabeth II of England today knighted Tony Hayward, the CEO of oil giant BP.
In remarks to reporters after the knighting ceremony at Buckingham Palace, Sir Tony said he would be working tirelessly this week to study the impact of the Gulf oil spill on the beaches of the South of France. More here.