The Ultimate Addiction by Scott Kalachstein

Scott Kalechstein is a gifted songwriter, humorist and philosopher. He frankly shares his feelings and experiences, and tells his stories in a lighthearted way. This item from his recent newsletter resonated with me. Maybe it will with you, too. – t.h.g.

The Ultimate Addiction

By Scott Kalechstein

I have an insidious addiction that I wrestle with: criticholism. It is the addiction behind all addictions, as it has driven me to compulsively drink, smoke, watch television, eat chocolate, and work without rest. For a very long time this disease has been my Achilles Heal.* I am happy to say that my feet are well on the road to recovery. I confess this and share my story in the hopes that it may inspire any fellow criticholics out there to realize what they’ve been doing and encourage them to get help.

Like many, I spent years in denial of my thinking problem. I fancied myself an average social criticizer, enjoying a few harmless judgments of myself and of others at parties and other social situations. Then I noticed myself sneaking in a few criticisms while alone. Soon I was waking up and starting my day with a double shot of straight criticism. When I found myself criticizing myself for how much I was criticizing myself, I knew I had a problem. But where to go for help?
There were no twelve step programs for this addiction, and I had definitely hit bottom.

One Sunday I was thinking and driving, and got caught in the act. A policeman pulled me over. He had clocked me on his radar judging myself at eighty three times per hour. My thoughts had been swerving all over the road! I had no excuse. He arrested me for inner child abuse, driving myself crazy, and disturbing my own peace. When I told him I was a workaholic and was on my way to work, he added resisting a rest to my charges. He also informed me that my thinking problem
increases my astral carbon footprint and eats away at the ozone layer. Uy,Vey! Did I feel guilty!?!

In court I was asked to be my own prosecuting attorney, since the judge knew I had so much experience in that role already. Of course I won my case, and was found guilty as charged. I thought they would throw the book at me, being that domestic self-violence is such a
heated issue these days. Instead, the judge let me off with a suspended sentence and

He then warned me that if I was found beating myself up again that I would serve hard time for giving myself a hard time.

The court suggested I visit a hospital that specialized in the treatment of Chronic Critique Syndrome.* Upon examination I was immediately placed on the critical list. The doctors were blunt. They told me that if I didn’t learn to be more gentle with myself my mental habits would lead me to a probable critiac arrest.* I decided to start resting my critic instead.

*Achilles Heal: One’s greatest weakness which, through self-forgiveness, alchemizes into a blessing that serves humanity.

*Chronic Critique Syndrome: This condition renders the alleged victim unable to see and enjoy the good. It is passed from parent to child, and can also be caught from schoolteachers and the media. The disease affects the eyes, often leaving the sufferer with Anal Eyes , the predisposition to anal-eyes everyone and everything, especially oneself. The cure is an emotional and mental procedure designed to remove the layers of anesthesia blocking one from heartfelt feelings. People in remission often can be seen spreading joy and hugging on the streets. For more information, see Jimmy Stewart at the end of It’s A Wonderful Life.

*Critiac Arrest: This occurs when, after years of a person attacking their own heart, the heart fails. The major causes of critiac arrest are a poor mental diet, hardening of the attitudes, and the lack of
heart-strengthening exercises, such as hugging, laughing and playing.

More Americans suffer from critiac arrests than all other metaphoric illnesses combined!

Scott Kalechstein is a Miracles Minded Modern Day Minstrel Man and Mischief Maker who makes his home in Marin, CA. (Yes, he has a special relationship with the letter ‘M’) Scott’s life is dedicated to ending seriousness on the planet by the year 2012. He pays the rent and the car payments as an inspirational speaker, a recording artist, singer, minister and workshop leader. He can be visited at

If you like his writings, you are invited to sample his inspirational music in the recordings section of his website. His CD, Levitational Pull, contains twenty deliciously humorous personal growth related songs. • Scott Kalechstein

Scott Kalechstein
351 Olema Road, #11
Fairfax, CA 94930
(415) 721-2954

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